I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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