If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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