Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Randomize
