i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
