Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
