In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
well you can't waste a boner
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
