Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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