I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
