It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
