im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
