I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
