You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
