omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
