While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
