I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
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