too bad you live with your parents still
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
