btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
