I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Come see our sink grown plant.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
