so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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