I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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