Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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