fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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