I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
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