4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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