I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
