If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
