she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
