Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
