drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
