No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
