I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
