So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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