Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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