i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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