oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
