Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Randomize
