I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
