My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
