I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
