Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
My bed smells like the plague
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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