He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Is it because I queefed?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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