What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
