I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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