I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
