you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
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