she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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