I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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