I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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