i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
This is the high leading the old right now
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
