I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
