WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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