Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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