Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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