I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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