i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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