What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
