so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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