Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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